| i know I don't always write but I'm gonna try more, for my own sanity |
[15 Sep 2007|12:54am] |
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cookie jar - jack johnson |
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WTF why would they cancel V.mars that is so annoying. Months later and I'm still not over it haha. I've been watching old eps and its just so depressing it was soo good!
But I mean its a good thing now she'll be on Gossip girl which i LOVE. I love those books, in the summer I read them all the time! I used to read them every summer!! And to pick penn badgley shiza he's so hot and leighton meester too, i loved her on v.mars and entourage. I think she's a better pick than meagan fox, since she suddenly got so big. Tonight was the premiere, I can't believe I missed it, we had cable but the stupid cable guy cut it off yesterday, coz for some reason we were getting it free and he figured it out :( . And as soon as i went away to uni my parents got satelite which is such a bitch! I just want gossip girl but I can't find it on any torrent sites, which is sad coz its probably the only fall show I want to watch. Well that and Heroes since kristen bell's going to be on that too! I finished heroes not as intense I guess I mean w. v.mars i just couldnt get enough I had to keep watching, heroes I mean i liked it and i did want to keep watching but I think cause it was so hyped up and I had all episodes at once you know.
I know I havent been able to write very recently because of working in the summer and school
Secoond year has started and its been intense, but I'm gonna try again cause its a better outlet for everything.
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| u n o p e n e d l e t t e r t o t h e w o r l d ..* |
[17 Dec 2006|04:13am] |
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jackson waters - center of attention |
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So I'm in university now. This thing has been used the past four years as an escape goat to talk about how we all feel. Just the three of us. Unknown to the world and just for us. it all seems so long ago in grade 9 that calla told me to get it in order for us three to talk to each other. Over the years we've all changed in different ways and taken different paths.
My first semester of school is done, and I feel as though I've done nothing. I'm so scared for my marks and my habits. I want to be able to keep the friends I've made. I'm afraid of them not wantin gto be like friends w. me I don't know why. Its coz of my lazy habits like sleeping in and stuff. I want to change but its hard. I'm determined to in the new year but you never know. Everyone here can seem so superficial sometimes. Money is weighed so heavily. I literally talked to someone today about how because someone wore skinny jeans that made them fashionable. I was like wtf are you talking about they look stupid like leggings and they were like whatever thats fashion. And then I was saying how good axe & swiss army smells and they were like I don't use that kind of stuff I use hollister and Lacoste, its like wtf man designer labels aren't everything> i miss our friends and how they didn't care what you wore, or if it was designer they thought it was awesome if it was cheap. It kept me centered it kept me grounded. I wouldn't spend lots because I knew it was pointless. Sometimes I'd even feel ashamed if it was a little bit more than I should have paid if somebody asked. It's so frustrating.
And with guys, so university is supposed to be where it all changes. Why do I pick the wrong ones, always. Like why do I like jackasses who aren't even that nice. And I hate to say it I really do, because if I say it it makes it true. But sometimes I feel like will I ever find someone. It seems so far ago that I was truly happy. Not that I'm not happy now but sometimes you want someone in your life. And i hate that because I don't want to be dependent on a guy, I don't want my happiness to be dictated by a boy. I hate that this is what I want. I feel so stupid and petty in some ways. I've done fine so far why can't I continue, right? But then I'm like its been two years since I had someone, since I felt love, I miss that feeling. Today I helped my friend make something for his girlfriend. I miss doing that. My roomate is making a scrapbook for her bf. I feel like its all around me. Everyone has someone except me. Whether its serious or not they have someone to look forward to the next day. I spend time with perkins Lo, and popowich the most and they all do. I haven't had someone in forever. And I feel like that was my great love. I milked it for all its worth and its never goign to happen again. i'm so scorned from the last one that I don't even want another. If i was to be in a relationship I could never let myself be open again, not one bit. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, but I feel as though I can never be in that place again, all because I know the pain i felt at the end. I hate hopoing that soemone will come along. but i truly don't think it will happen ever again.
And its that feeling that hurts the most.
kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep
Excuse my emo-ness
Sometimes we all just need to embrace it to display our inability of what we want to do
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[12 Dec 2006|08:10am] |
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acct exam today at 9! shiza im gonna fail
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[02 Dec 2006|04:46am] |
405 - The OC
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[09 Nov 2006|11:25pm] |
these feelings wont go away, maybe i could meet you sideways
more to come
the amount of work that is becoming quite tedious
fuck university
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| random wallpaper for desktop |
[03 Apr 2006|11:39pm] |
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Memphis Bleek feat. Rihanna - The One |
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Season 2 One Tree Hill Wallpaper
One Tree Hill & OC Wallpaper
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| * .t h e.l e a v e r s. d a n c e. * |
[02 Apr 2006|11:05pm] |
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Panic At the Disco -Build God Then We'llTalk |
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The world goes on
splits into two
one with endless possiblities
the other, the end
it rains nonstop in her world
they fall hard to whats left of her heart
drips and drops of blood
as pure as vermillion
broken bangles scattered
covered in red
he stomps on her chest
to break whats left
she wails - the pain excruciating
she rather death become her
her eyes burn black
lays motionless
lifeless
loveless
Just another one more who loved
Inevitably lost
Forever Always
He leaves through purple coloured glasses
Filled with sparkling diamonds of life
Precious jewel she can no longer reach
His deep mocha skin turns to white
He no longer assimilates with the dark drips
Rain does not fall upon him
Life is more beautiful there
filled with Pure White Bliss
Blankets of ignorance
Cover his innocent brown eyes
Glimpses of arrogance
She watches them in their rays of pure white
White more beautiful than brown
Compared to dark
Drips of blood start to pour violently
Darkness embodies her
While she only dresses in white
There has been a death
death of her love
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| . i n t h e b l i n k o f a n e y e .* |
[26 Mar 2006|10:26pm] |
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Hard Fi - Hard To Beat |
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I've never hated people so much than I have in this week. There fucking bitches all of them. I've literally like either lost or had fights with 5 friends in the course of 5 days. Then it just gets topped off by going to work having people I work with make fun of the clothes that I wear and then going to be with Bengali's and criticize me for being the bengali whore. I love how this week was my celebration and on that day I wrote two ISU essays until 8am and just went straight school on no sleep whatsoever. Some celebration and then today teh day of the party i bascially get called a whore even tho where's ayon on our celebration? In New york w/ his gfs family having sex w/ her all weekend and i come to the party im still a bad influence or w/e. I hate bengali's in this town. Im a better brown person then like atif arpon and all them most of the time. I don deserve to be treated that way.
I hate people too my assistant manager made me feel lilke i was elementary school today again where people like stephanie would make fun of the way i dress. My assistant manager and somebody else who i work with made fun of the way i dress because i don dress like every other girl with skin tight ass pants. Hah the funny thing is about a month ago stephanie did the saem thing about how i wear my pants loose and not skintight and she said the same thing a girl i work w/ said that they could never do that because they feel like there wearing a diaper. wtf does it matter how i wanna dress. its so retarted. and it makes me feel great as a person because it isnt hard enough to fit in this westernized culture when you are distingushed minority and at the same time trying to be your cultural roots. its like im expected to be white in teh week and then brown on teh weekend. Its too much. Coz its not hard going around in life with a last name Islam trying to explain to people how there offending you. Like stupid people in your class tryign to tell you that ur religion provides u with a gun at birth and that it tells us to kill the whole world. And that I'm wrong and that certain derogatory terms like jihad mean holy war when it doesn. and they deliberately continue on to tell you your wrong adn that it does, even tho they have no evidence to back it up and you've studied it. and you just sit there alone while everyone listens and NOBODY stands up for you, who are SUPPOSED to be your friends. Who later on tell you, you overeacted because i felt strongly bout something that really hurt my feelings and i'd like to correct them. Not even ur teacher does anything. he just sits there and lets someone basically racially harass you.
It all translates with the way i have to interact with people. I usually let people say shit to me and just take it Its what ive done for years. Ever since like public school when every day for like 5 years straight every recess laura and other people would run away from me and go to secret places because i was the slowest. Never felt like i truly had friends it was stupid till highschool. And only this week has that been compromised. Starting monday the nite b4 my celebration oen of our friends insulted me straight up non-stop so i stood up formyself decided not to be friends w/them nemore. then they try to apolgize but i don wanna hear it. thent oday they send me a sappy email telling me they wanna reconcilliate but i don know if i wanna coz it pissed me off. Tuesday Wednesday I find out i'm betrayed by 2 people try to not talk to them but there too nice to me that i feel bad so i still talk to them sorta. Thursday i get treated the same way ive been treated by one person for a good eight years talked down like im stupid wont listen to me. and as usual i sit there and take it like a bitch because im terrified of them I cant handle arguing with them coz ill lose n they scare me. So i just take it like i always have when they make me feel inferior like im stupid ignore me don listen to me. Then friday I find out the one person i could always trust betrays me like there's no tomorrow which puts that person who i cant deal with to start yelling at me. Tell me I'm arguing wtiht them when im not coz im not that type of person like who teh fuck has ever seen me of all ppl tell someone off. I'm standing there shaking half coz i wanan punch them half coz i cant deal with it coz im a weak person like that. instead they continue to bombard me with accusments and i have no answer and when i do retaliate they say im acting immature and want a civilized conversation and not an argument. i end up ushing away two ppl who were just trying to be nice.
I've never been so frustrated and hurt. I seriously just want to leave and go live in Bangladesh, but my parents would never let me.
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[23 Mar 2006|12:32am] |
Just a long rant don read unless u wanna lol ive re-written this 3x now. Today blows ass coz everyone is at picton or and i'm here doign what? homework. I really could care less that there at the beach its just the pure fact everyones out and i'm here doing homework. it fuckin sucks i have so much to do though. I've got my anthro essay for tomorrow, for thurs an anthro quiz and work on eng. project, for friday an english&peer tutoring project due, then cram after school for a religion exam the next day while my mom's having a baby shower for someone at my house. Yes i'm going to ace that exam. Then study all weekend for my last physics&anthro unit test and finish up the english project. If you don't see me i've shot myself. So yes I'm
Whatever happend to those carefree days where you could watch cartoons all day long. I remember how early dismissals should/used to be. I remember me and calla used to watch hey arnold all the time! and weekenders damnt i missed that today. Calla i found out how to draw carver!!! I cant remember but on an early dismissal in gr.9 either i was putting hennah on kate and calla or katie was putting cornrows in my hair but we just sat there and watched like chip n'dale. And we made toast! coz they loved my toaster for actually popping upI miss those days. So here is a tribute to the good ol'days lol
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[20 Mar 2006|12:32am] |
Lol so yeah I started writing a post on the 6th and it was going so well haha and then oh wow wonderful wonderful computers, it restarted out of nowhere dont u just love it when that happens so i figured fuck this and didnt start to write it again lol. and the funnie thing was that the last 3 posts i wrote on the 6th so im just gonna like make it national faria sucks day or national faria makes a post on xanga day its a work in process title lol
Omg you guys have to get any song you can by this group called The Perishers i am absolutely in love with them and its so NOT the music i listen to AT ALL but i just love them and if u ever see there cd anywhere buy it for me and i will pay you back and love you forever lol but yeah there awesome i love them! But yea listen to them there awesome!
Anyways so yeah one week of school left till winter break thats absolutely rodonkulous and i get to have 3 unit tests on the same day!! Woot!!! Life just loves me eh?
Hmm so Ayesha came today! It was really cool like I was so excited but that didnt quite happen how I would have liked to it have I did the one thing I HATE doing at school, yet i couldnt help it, i am the biggest loser that i fucking cried at school, which I Cannot stand with a passion. So yeah meh i cried im a loser I was okay-ish until sum ppl were like whats wrong which is fine yes go ahead ask but lol thats when i jsut lost it oh wanna hear the cherry on the top it wasnt girls who were asking me it was guys which makes it even more worse coz' i started bawling and then went into the washroom and was crying even harder and i could hear everyone like jumping and yelling coz' ayesha had came so i wanted to go and do that too but i was crying so i was there for awhile then came out and like ian was like whats wrong bud and b4 that mike did too and they both gave me hugs but it just fuck it pissed me off so much today and the reason i was crying was coz k so we had to disect pigs in bio and i just didnt wanna actually do it so i did it virutually and we had a test today and its out of 50 because we dont have time for 2 small sumative tests b4 the unit test so were having one big one right and it was like all these pictures of the pigs anatomy and u had to identify stuff and say what it is or the structure but fuck two of the questiosn was like what does this organ feel like and i'm like fuck i dont know i didnt do it! i did it virtually so i was like mr. stuart how do i do it coz' i didnt actually do it and he was liek ur gonna have to answer it to teh best of ur ability and i was like this pisses me off coz' first of all coz' i did it virtually i ahd to do 3x more the work so fine w/e i did that was my choice but i mean being penalized for an answer i didnt know just pissed me off and then the other one was like how long is this and i was like fuck i don kno i didnt answer that question on my lab coz' they told me i didnt have to on account of i did it virutally and i mean they showed u pictures on the site but there different than the ones he showed us so i know i bombed the test and its not even just me doing bad like he said we could find out after class but i was like fuck that i just don even wanna kno coz' i didnt wanna be more upset than i already was i just wanted to leave but like i mean i have to have over 80 in all my courses or my dad says i have to redo them all, and i JUST got my bio mark up to a 70 and i know that test is going to bring it back down again and fuck its just so frustrating coz' i try so hard i study so much and still im stupid that i cant get anything and I HATE so many ppl around me in my classes r like i actually failed that or im faling this class and i swear to God some of these ppl have like 93% and 87% yet they constantly complain about how they are failing etc. and im like man im not failing but im in 60's 70's that is failing so quit ur fucking whining. And then i saw Ayesha and they all went to fabric land or w/e and i told Sarah to call me and she said she would but she didnt, and i talked to her on the comp. later and seh didnt mention it or nething but w/e i don care but like i was waiting at home and my mom wanted to go to the mall and i did to but i was like no ayeshas here w/e but like its nto a big deal and i really don care its just on top of the day at school just annoyed me.
What frustrated me even more about this day was like i talked to sum ppl bout it and i usually don talk to neone bout wats goin on w/me unless it gets to the point where i spill it out by accident coz' its accumulated so much calla knows what im talkin bout hopefully.
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